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Xbox One Support is the WORST THING EVER. PERIOD.

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The following is a recounting of my experience with my Xbox One. All traces of emotion, screaming and profanities have been removed.

12/21/2013 – My Front Door
My Xbox One has arrived after weeks of weather delays. Thanks for nothing UPS.

12/22/2013 – My Living Room/Heart
I come home to discover that the Kinect on my Xbox is dead. Completely Dead. I look on the internet and yep, others have complained about faulty Kinects with the Xbox One. I look up the replacement policy and decide to put a credit card on file with Microsoft so they will ship me a new one before I ship my broken one back.

12/26/2013 – My Front Door (again)
My new and working Kinect arrives at my front door via Fedex. I now believe that Fedex is God’s gift to this green Earth and that UPS must be what Satan uses to send nasty singing telegrams to bad children.

12/29/2013 – Fedex Dropoff Location
I studiously drop off my broken kinect with the return shipping label at the closest fedex to my house. I do this so studiously because Microsoft warned me that if I fail to mail my broken Kinect back to them then they will charge me $160 real American dollars. Also, Fedex gives me a little bitty piece of paper with a tracking number on it, apparently people call these papers “receipts”.

12/29/2013 – But now later at my house
I put the “receipt” from Fedex on top of my nightstand after briefly considering throwing it away.

1/12/2014 – Digitally, in my email inbox
Many moons have gone by and I have successfully Just Danced at least 5 pounds of water weight off my athletic physique using my working Kinect. I receive a warning email from Microsoft that my account will soon be billed $160 real american dollars because they noticed that I absconded with both a working Kinect and an indubitably permanent broken Kinect.

1/12/2014 – On the phone
I am now anxiously on the phone, waiting to talk to Microsoft about the mistake they must have made. Why does everything happen to me? They talk to me on the phone. Apparently, my package never made it to 1000 Magical Microsoft Way and they don’t believe that I sent it at all. But wait, I have proof! A “receipt” you might even say. I can’t find it. Like, at all. My wife is now glowering at me as a try and make her believe that she must have the little piece of paper worth $160 real American dollars. (I promise, it’s really a thing!)

1/12/2014 – Many, MANY. hours later
I found the “receipt” it was on top of my nightstand where some idiot must have put it. Also, I called Fedex and I am most assuredly the first person to ever lose a tracking number on this planet. They were not helpful. I triumphantly call Xbox back and give them the special numbers on the magical piece of paper called a “receipt”. For the record, here is a link to my tracking number according to Fedex: https://www.fedex.com/fedextrack/index.html?tracknumbers=480616070544171&cntry_code=us

1/12/2014 – Still on the phone
I am told that my situation has been escalated and that I will most assuredly have my account notated that I am a most responsible gamer and not worthy of having $160 real American dollars deducted from my bank account.

1/21/2014 – Browsing my Wellsfargo bank account
I had $160 real American dollars deducted from my bank account.

1/21/2014 – On the phone, most voraciously
I inform Xbox that I have already settled this matter, why must they take my money anyway? I also look up my tracking number again, my package has been found and was delivered at 11:03 AM. My phone person also agrees that this is very clearly a mistake and should be fixed amazingly quick. The ticket was already escalated so surely things will be restored to what is right and just as soon as possible. Or in 6 to 8 business days. Whichever comes first.

1/25/2014 – In my car, On the phone
Broken, my wild stallion of a spirit looks for a comfortable place to die. I am on the phone. It hasn’t been 6 to 8 business days yet sir. 6 to 8 business days from when? I ask. From when the ticket was opened sir. Which was on the 12th, which was more than 8 business days ago? I inquire again. The escalation team is very busy sir, they should contact you within the next 4 days.

1/31/2014 – On the phone, or dead, I can’t tell
I demand to speak to a supervisor. I tell the supervisor all of these terrible things and they promise to help. To go above and beyond, finally some respite from the droning on and on of business days and escalation people. Someone who can GET. THINGS. DONE. As I talk to her I send spiteful messages to XboxSupport on twitter, my life has no meaning. She says she sent a special email and things will happen in the next 48 hours. Wait. So did she get things done or not?

2/3/2014 – One of the circles of Hell
Nothing. It has been over 48 hours and not a single email or money in my bank account.

So I must conclude, Xbox One Support is the WORST THING EVER.

Tim Schnell

Writer of software/english, tech nerd, and genetically predisposed to fight with words instead of actions.